I love myself, I hate my body???

For years now, I’ve had this constant mental battle with my body where one day, I look in the mirror and I’m so happy and anywhere between a few hours to a few days later, I hate it! The typical idea was that women always go through these battles because the trends of body shapes are forever changing, but as of recently, the media has been pressurising men too! Nobody is safe anymore and with the trends changing rapidly, it’s so hard to keep up. First thigh gaps were cool, now we frown on them as if we never praised them in the first place. Now it’s all about the girls with the thick thighs and the unattainable bodies. I’m completely down for the thick thighs don’t get me wrong, but I point out the unattainable body shapes because not even the girls you see have that body! It’s all bought. I see people striving for a body shape that they may never have because it’s just not how they’re supposed to look. Some girls are naturally very slim and some are naturally bigger, others are (currently) blessed with an hour glass shape but trust me, give it a year or two and the media will be fat shaming them until it’s cool to be a size zero again!

Rant over, back to me. I remember exactly where and when it started. Prior to this time, I had NO care in the world about my body, I was simply just a young girl living my life and had no sense of self-consciousness. One day when I was in school and roughly 14-15 years old, I remember running through the playground and I felt my thighs rubbing together and within an instant, my mind was filled with thoughts of being fat and thinking ‘omg, everyone’s looking at my huge thighs rubbing together’. I almost wish I had pictures of myself from this time but I’ve always been a very slim and petite girl so I honestly have no idea how I put two and two together and made eight but for the next few years, I became so self conscious and probably a bit crazy.

I can’t say I had an eating disorder, because nobody has ever known about this. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything or had anything suggested to me, nor have I ever known why this happened to me. But after I came to my very far fetched conclusion, I just stopped eating. I never really ate breakfast much anyway but I think I managed to get out of it by telling my parents there was a breakfast club at school and I never had lunch at school ever. I would go to lunch with my friends just to be with them, but I’d rarely eat and if I did, it would be a few bites of a sandwich. Then I would have dinner and depending on what it was, I’d eat it all, eat some or eat none and I could go a full day without eating. Sometimes my parents would send me to school with a packed lunch or some fruit (I was always the healthy girl at school) but being the lost and unappreciative little girl I was, I’d usually give it to someone else. I’d convinced myself that by not eating anything, I’d become so slim (although I already was) and everyone would praise me for my body. I’d learnt the art of sucking in too which of course we all do, but I’d learnt to suck in 24/7 to the point it’s become natural to me till this day. I don’t even realise I do it anymore, I guess it’s because I learnt to make it look natural and how to control my breathing around it.

This lack of eating lasted about a year or two and then suddenly, the complete opposite happened and I was binge eating. I couldn’t tell you why or what made me change my mind but it just happened. I still wasn’t eating breakfast because my body became so used to not having it that eating in the early hours would make me sick. But by 10:00/11:00 I’d be eating chocolates, crisps, a whole packet of biscuits and whatever else I could get my hands on washed down by some sort of fizzy drink. At 1:30 would be a full lunch followed by any left over snacks, 3:30 would be chicken and chips religiously and sometimes if I was still hungry I’d have a snack, followed by dinner. At one point, I’d have some kind of greasy chicken and chips or KFC literally everyday for months. You’d think I’d be piling on the pounds by this point but my metabolism allowed me to eat whatever I wanted without it showing.

Everyone told me to be careful because it would catch up to me eventually but I’d ignored them all and now my metabolism is the complete opposite. I’m still very slim and petite and I don’t think my frame will change much but when I start to put on weight, the first places it all goes to is my neck (double chins), my hips (love handles) and the bottom of my stomach (that horrible little pouch). I don’t completely hate my body, majority of the time I’m actually very confident but one of my friends once said this and it stuck with me.. To the outside world, people may look at us and think “I wish I had a body like hers”, we may even be someone’s ‘body goals’, but we live in our own skin, nobody knows our bodies the way we do and so regardless of what everyone else thinks, good or bad, there may always be something we don’t like. So let’s not judge people. Yes, a slim person can complain about their body and yes a bigger person may have no complaints at all. The only thing we can do individually is either accept it, or change it.

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Twenty One and Living Alone!

Year One.

I first moved out when I was 18 years old but that was definitely the easiest of times. I had moved to a university on the outskirts of London and I was living on campus. It was all inclusive so I had all my meals cooked for me – it might sound great but the food was crap and a part from a microwave, there wasn’t any cooking appliances, so for an entire year I was subjected to very bland food and questionable meat. My student loan covered my rent, there was no worry of bills, all my very crappy meals were made for me and I lived roughly an hour and a half away from home so I could travel back easily when I needed to.

Year two.

After my first year of university, I moved into a studio flat which was the hardest time. I fell in love with the apartment and the area and although the rent was ridiculously high, I was set on living there. However, I still don’t consider it really moving out as it was classed as student accommodation. My bills were included in the rent which I paid quarterly – the same time I would get my student loan. As I mentioned, the rent was ridiculously high for student accommodation and although the building and the apartments were nice, looking back I really don’t think it was value for the money. I struggled so much financially that year, my student loan barely covered a fraction of the rent and although I had a lot of help to pay it, it just wasn’t easy. I was working a job that I hated at the time and paid poorly, so I left and was in that horrible period of leaving one job and moving into another. It was hard but proud to say I worked through it all!

Year three.

As if the past year alone hadn’t been enough of a learning curve, this year was really about to open my eyes. I’d had enough of moving from home to home each year and having absolutely loved my area, I decided my next home would be my home for the next few years. Me, my best friend and our two friends decided we would all get a house together and planned on living there for the next few years – things changed!

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This is my beautiful little room in our house that causes oh so much stress. This has been the year where I officially feel like a responsible adult in this world, there’s no going back now! I learnt so many things that they just don’t teach you in school so from my experience, here’s my top tips if you’re feeling like your ready to move out:

  • Make sure you are financially ready to take on this responsibility! You need to consider the deposit, your rent pcm, bills and any other bills or direct debits you have. For example, if you earn £1,500 a month and you find a place with £950 rent and an £1,800 deposit. How feasible is it for you to afford your new home and keep up with the bills, as well as anything else you pay for and potentially put money away each month for savings?
  • Bills!! Nobody teaches you about bills, average costs, seasonal changes or when you can expect to receive them. Before my new found independence, I thought bills came every month when in fact, most of my bills are quarterly.
  • Are you living alone? Or with others? Living alone obviously means you are solely responsible for your home and there is nobody to split costs with. If you’re considering living with others I would recommend strongly thinking about this. For some people it works, for others not so much. You have to think about their habits and whether you can handle that in a more intense environment. I learnt that you don’t really know someone until you live with them!
  • Talk to your parents or anyone you can trust who has a good experience with moving out and managing a home on their own. At first, I was calling my mum constantly (as I always do) with a million questions.
  • Not everything is what it seems! At viewings, ask a million questions no matter how silly they may seem. Houses looking great from the outside until you move in and everything starts falling a part.
  • Consider all your options! Never settle for less than what you want but more importantly, don’t put yourself in a position where it’s easy for you to end up drowning. Think ahead!

elisekirsten xo.

A Doggy’s Day Out

I don’t have a dog (yet) but one my best friends has a beautiful and energetic little Bichon Frise called Belle. Seeing as the weather’s been pretty nice and it’s bank holiday weekend, my friends and I decided to have a nice day out and we took little Belle with us. We drove up to Hampstead Heath park which is hands down the biggest park I’ve ever been to.

We were there for roughly four hours and only managed to cover less than a quarter of the park. It consisted of two fairgrounds, an animal enclosure, a deer enclosure, an athletics track, a lido, tennis courts, croquet grounds, rugby and football pitches, coffee shops and 18 ponds. I guess now you can put into perspective how big this park really is.

We took a picnic blanket and some normal blankets for warmth as you can never be too careful with the English weather. We brought loads of toys for Belle but, she was much happier playing with all the other dogs. She seemed so free and happy running around, meeting other dogs and having fun. We were enjoying it just as much as she was. My friends and I are quite busy people so it was great to be able to take this time out and spend a day together, enjoying each other’s company simply laughing and joking.

After a long day of walking around and playing with Belle we were starving so we headed off to Shake Shack in Covent Garden. This particular location is one of the few restaurants in London that are doggy friendly and offers doggy treats so it was a perfect way to end our day! There’s a small seating area inside but a really large seating area outside, surrounded by loads of quirky little shops and other small restaurants.

I ordered a double cheeseburger with cheesy fries and a fifty/fifty (half lemonade, half iced tea), delicious! For Belle, we ordered some doggy red velvet biscuits which didn’t go down as we hoped, she was way more interested in our burgers and honestly I don’t blame her because they were so yummy! Overall, it was a great day out with great company and at some point, we will go back to try and tackle the rest of the park – although it might take a few visits!

elisekirsten xo.